I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
