So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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