Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
