This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
