as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
