omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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