A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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