Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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