So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
