Already got asked if we're dating
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
