the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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