If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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