I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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