Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
