she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
