Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
