everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
