On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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