Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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