I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
