that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
