You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
