i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
