u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
