we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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