On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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