so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
