Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize