I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
