btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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