Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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