I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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