My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
