Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
