Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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