He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
