When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
