I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
