tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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