when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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