Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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