we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
