Don't you send me to vm
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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