omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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