i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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