my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
