I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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