And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
