My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
