Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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