Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
