Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
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