literally had 100 drinks last night.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
