it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
