My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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