I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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