just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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